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I dont mean it in a literal sense.

I dont feel like I'm pale and wrinkly; or sick and weak. I dont feel experienced and wise. I dont think I've an old hubby or a family of kids. I dont think I'm at ease with myself and assured of my identity.

I feel trapped.

There's a million things I want to say or do but I never do so because of decorum.

We're told not to let ourselves lose too much. We're told to maintain our image. We're told to get the best in everything. We're told to make ourselves look slim and pretty. We're told to adhere to convention. We're told of how to exist, not how to live.

WHO DECIDED WHAT'S DECORUM ANYW? It doesnt make sense. We keep wanting to please others but what for? For friends? If they're defining who you should be, they're not really your friends I believe. For more money, better career, bigger house, faster car, more modern technology and more more? That's compromising your beliefs and opinions for stuffs that often deemed as morally unimportant. Then what for?

I was just reading Valerie's blog and I realise how much we have to hide. I realise everyone, including myself stick to convention. I try not to make mistakes, try not to waste my life away. I became obsessed with doing The Good. I realise I'm probably better but not happier.

I often get upset that I cannot say or do whatever I like and whenever I like without disturbing the balance of the decorum. Then I realise there are deeper reasons for not doing certain things. It may be sympathy, may be care or may be love. It could be a form of gratitude, it could be an act of kindness or an extension of compassion.

It's like how I dont tell my classmate that I dislike the way she's obsessed with competition, determined to win and gain attention. She disgusts me with her incessant behaviours of acting cute, following trends and short-termed crazes for different Japanese guys. And I never tell her that in her face because she's always had friendship issues, have been mistreated during her school days and have always been kind to me.

So, life's a roller coaster. It's filled with ups and downs. Yet, it's also an escalator. It's about moving upwards and forwards. Following decorum, I think, leads you downwards and backwards. It moulds you into a socially accepted person but it doesnt make you happier. So, it's probably only a matter of directions but your life story depends on it.